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My Husband Never Lifts A Finger In My Marriage – And It Gets Old
I often hear from people who are tired of feeling like they are taking over their marriage without the help of their spouse. Often it gets so stale that you start to wonder how much longer you can take it.
I heard from one woman, “I feel like I’m the only one in my family who pulls my weight. When my husband and I first met, he was a romantic, he made an effort. He would bring me flowers, and he thought a lot about where he would take me on dates. Whenever I did something nice for him, he always noticed. , and would reciprocate. I’d cook dinner, he’d do the dishes. He’d always clean up. He was after himself and easy to love and live with. Well, after about eight years, he stopped all that. He basically just sits and does all my work. waits for me to do it. He forgot our anniversary last week. and I didn’t even get a card. He leaves his dirty clothes all over the house. He doesn’t help me with the house or our marriage. There is no romance anymore. If I want to go on a date, then then I have to plan it and do everything. He won’t raise a finger in our marriage anymore. Absolutely no e. effort on his part. I feel like I’m alone in my marriage. And it’s lonely land If things don’t change, I don’t think I’ll hang out with him. What can i do?” I will try to address these concerns below.
Before I offer insights and advice, I want you to know that I understand and validate your concerns. I know you’ve had people tell you that the spark goes away after a few years of marriage and that you’re asking too much if you demand at least romance or spark. I strongly disagree with that. When my marriage was falling apart and my resentment started to rise, I would listen to everyone who said I was too upset, back off, and hope for the best. I was divorced and heartbroken before I could turn things around. So I’m pretty sure that taking no action and hoping for the best is about the worst possible plan. I think you should act immediately rather than making your spouse defensive. I will discuss this in more detail below.
Ask yourself if the little things that bother you are symptoms of a bigger problem: Your mother or some other wise person may have told you that fighting about leaving the toilet seat has nothing to do with the toilet. He is absolutely right. Often, after the frustrations and resentments have lingered for a while, you’ll find that people look for smaller and subtler ways to express their displeasure. They may not even realize they are doing it. But you often find that they put little effort into every aspect of your marriage.
Most of the time, you end up arguing about basic things like sharing chores or not doing romantic things. Often it’s about the loss of intimacy that manifests itself in small household issues in your married life.
I’m saying this because I want you to know that even though you’ve made compromises in effort and household chores, you always want to look after your relationship and intimacy. After all, if you have the simple problems common to most marriages, it’s worth making sure you have everything.
Honestly, if you can rebuild the intimacy in your marriage and feel that “in love” or even “passion” feeling again, little things like the dishes won’t bother you as much. As you are both fulfilled, you will find that your spouse really wants to do better because he wants to keep that payment steady.
It always helps to turn negative feedback into a willing participant instead of using it: I know it’s so tempting to say that your husband is selfishly allowing you to shoulder all the responsibilities. Lazy or selfish words may come out of your mouth. But to be honest, this strategy makes him defensive and he feels undervalued and it can make things worse. It can even be pulled back.
So it’s better to encourage him to do better with positive reinforcement. You might start by happily asking him to help you wash the dishes. When he does this, praise him openly. Tell him when you help him, it will remind you of the first days when you did everything as a partner. You might say, “I miss the early days as partners. I miss the intimacy we had. We should do this more often.”
At this point, if it’s appropriate, you should offer him physical contact. This reinforces the positive reinforcement that makes him want to do better. Do you even “see what happens when you help me?” You can leave a comment like It doesn’t take much for him to connect the dots and realize that helping you is in his best interest.
After hooking up and clicking again, you can ask him to plan and spend a night out or a weekend. Again, you have to be playful. Because it is often the most effective currency for men and it helps you both get what you want, which equals a happy and just marriage.
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